Just a bit of a laugh

Funny stuff, quotes, general odds and ends that don't really fit in the main forums.
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mdhughw
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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#871 Post by mdhughw » Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:07 pm

The Mother of a 17 teen year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.....worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status she consulted the family doctor,The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion,He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then talk to her and give her a box of c-n-o-s ,later that evening as her daughter was preparing for a date the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of c-n-o-s.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying.....OH MUM!!!! You don't have to worry about that!,I'm dating SUSAN.
irish coleen

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#872 Post by mdhughw » Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:20 pm

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand,he said"Preacher,I'll tell you....that was a Damned good sermon.....Damned Good....The Preacher said"Thank You Sir,but I'd rather you didn't use profanity",The man said "I was so damned impressed with the sermon I put 5 thousand dollars in the offering plate",The Preacher said "NO S--T
irish coleen

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Eugene
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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#873 Post by Eugene » Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:47 am

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#874 Post by Brian » Wed Oct 19, 2011 4:16 pm

:brickwall:


:rotfl:

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#875 Post by patMG07 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 7:01 am

Not often you get a good 'clean' joke these days ! :getmecoat:

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Eugene
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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#876 Post by Eugene » Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:51 am

A few graphs to amuse!!

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#877 Post by mdhughw » Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:40 pm

I Have Been In Many Places

I Have been in many places,but I've never been in CAHOOTS,apparently you can't go alone,you have to be in CAHOOTS with someone
I've also never been in COGNITO,I hear no one recognises you there
I have however been IN SANE,they don't have an airport,you have to be driven there,I have made several trips there,thanks to my Friends,Family and work
I would like to go to CONCLUSIONS,but you have to jump and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore
I have also been in DOUBT ,now THAT is a sad place to go,and I try not to visit there too often
I've been in FLEXIBLE,but only when it was very important to stand firm
Sometimes I'm in CAPABLE,and I'm going there more often as I'm getting older
One of my favourite places to be is in SUSPENSE! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps the old Heart!At my age I need all the stimuli I can get
irish coleen

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#878 Post by mdhughw » Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:09 pm

The hip youth of today have all their little SMS codes...like BFF,WTF,LOL etc,so here are a few codes for the Seniors.......ATD..At The Doctor's........BFF..Best Friend's Funeral,
BTW..Bring The Wheelchair..........FWIW..Forgot Where I Was........GGPBL..Gotta Go,Pacemaker Battery Low........GHA..Got Heartburn Again.....HGBM..Had Good Bowel Movement........IMHO..Is My Hearing-Aid On............TTYL..Talk To You Louder............WAITT..Who Am I Talking To........GGLKI..Gotta Go,Laxative Kicking In.



A little old Lady calls her neighbour and asks him to please come over and help her solve a killer jigsaw which she just couldn't figure out how to get started,so the neighbour says" "What is it supposed to be when it's finished" oh she replies"According to the picture on the box it's a rooster" "Ok" He says "I'll come over now",She lets Him in and shows Him the puzzle spread all over the table,He studies the pieces for a moment,looks at the box and says to her"First of all, no matter what we do we're never gonna have this resemble a rooster when it's finished,come let's have a cup of tea,I want you to relax,"Now"He says with a sigh........................"Let's put all the Cornflakes BACK in the box"
irish coleen

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#879 Post by xpaddy » Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:56 pm

Della very good.

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Eugene
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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#880 Post by Eugene » Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:18 am

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 A M) and ask,
'Did I wake you?

5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9...
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off..

16.
Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17..
Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't
remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size.

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#881 Post by greengreengrass » Fri Mar 02, 2012 12:22 pm

Not quite sure whether to laugh or cry at these Eugene............. :rotfl: laugh because they really are very funny......or cry because I can readily identify with so many of them :[ ............and of course because I fit into the third age category you mention! :shocked:

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#882 Post by Eugene » Fri Mar 02, 2012 12:59 pm

Oh you're not on your own Rene!!...I have a foothold in there too!!

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#883 Post by mdhughw » Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:10 pm

DITTO
irish coleen

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#884 Post by Brian » Wed Apr 18, 2012 12:44 pm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed
away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He
returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck
is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it's now £150

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#885 Post by mdhughw » Wed Apr 18, 2012 10:37 pm

:rotfl: :rotfl: very good Brian
irish coleen

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#886 Post by xpaddy » Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:44 pm

Brian - and another good one.

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#887 Post by Eugene » Thu May 17, 2012 10:04 am

SILLY SIGNS

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#888 Post by Eugene » Wed Nov 14, 2012 3:49 pm

A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed.

As the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised to look
around and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so
worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into
about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."
>
>
>
>
"Well, I'm in the pub next door to it".

>
>

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#889 Post by xpaddy » Wed Nov 14, 2012 3:55 pm

Eugene - good one.

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#890 Post by charlotte st » Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:43 pm

Clever!

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#891 Post by the gap » Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:49 pm

Perks of reaching 50plus Eugene,Re no 4 my daughter Rebecca will not phone after 8.00pm your time lol zz:zz

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#892 Post by Eugene » Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:11 am

IT MAKES SENSE TO SOME!!!

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#893 Post by xpaddy » Thu Feb 21, 2013 2:25 pm

Eugene - the manicure one gave me
the shivers.

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#894 Post by Eugene » Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:30 pm

I'm sure it did Maureen!!! :rotfl: :shocked:

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#895 Post by xpaddy » Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:08 pm

Brendan was driving down the street in
a sweat, because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity
on me, if you find me a parking place,
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest
of my life and give up drinking"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Brendan looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one".

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#896 Post by dabarry » Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:14 pm

:rotfl:

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#897 Post by xpaddy » Sun Jul 21, 2013 3:26 am

An 80 year old woman was arrested for
shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked
her, "What did you steal?" She replied,
"A can of peaches"
The judge then asked her why she had stolen
the can of peaches and she replied that she was
hungry. He then asked her how many peaches
were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge then said, "I will then give you six days
in jail". Before the judge could pronouce the
punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked
him if he could say something.
The Judge said, "what is it?".
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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Eugene
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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#898 Post by Eugene » Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:53 am

:rotfl: Very good Maureen!

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#899 Post by dabarry » Sun Jul 21, 2013 9:32 pm

Nice one, xp.
Keep them coming. :rotfl:

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Re: Just a bit of a laugh

#900 Post by dabarry » Wed Jul 24, 2013 3:31 pm

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead work in a typing pool.
Every day their boss gives them enough work to see them
through to quitting time, and then goes home early.
One day the Redhead says " why don't we go home early,
she won't be back", they all agree.
The Redhead goes to the Cinema, the Brunette goes to the
Mall and the Blonde goes home.
On entering the house she hears noises from the bedroom
and peeps in to see her boss in bed with her husband.
She slips out and goes back to work.
The next day the Redhead says " that was fun, lets go home
early again".
" Oh no, not me," says the Blonde, " I nearly got caught"!

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