oldwarrenpointforum

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself
It is currently Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:26 am

All times are UTC




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 902 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:26 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:47 pm
Posts: 1880
Location: Warrenpoint
Excellent.....haven't laughed so much in a long time!........tho' I'm glad I'm not flying anywhere today.........makes my engine fire coming out of Sydney seem a bit tame!


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:42 pm 
Online
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:01 pm
Posts: 3218
Location: Ostrohe GERMANY
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies,Your sense of humour.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:01 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:08 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: Warrenpoint
Cheap Flights .....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc[/youtube]


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:58 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
THERE'S ALWAYS SOME 'EEJIT' WILL SPOIL YOUR HOLIDAY SNAPS!!!

Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 11:19 am 
Online
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:01 pm
Posts: 3218
Location: Ostrohe GERMANY
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Classic Eugene


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:09 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:24 pm
Posts: 7523
Location: Warrenpoint
Can`t beat The Gap on this one ................SUper !! :)) :))


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:38 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
AS SOON AS THIS HAPPENS............RETIRE!





Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:20 am 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2008 5:56 pm
Posts: 752
Location: Glossop Derbyshire. England
That's a corker Eugene!! :))


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:05 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
Your Duck is Dead:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it's now £150.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:58 pm 
Online
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:01 pm
Posts: 3218
Location: Ostrohe GERMANY
So glad your in Hilltown ::-(( ::-(( :--)


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 4:06 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:24 pm
Posts: 7523
Location: Warrenpoint
Quackers !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :cheers:


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:40 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 8:46 pm
Posts: 1605
Location: Orchard Hill Warrenpoint
Brill Eugene!!


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:49 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 8:46 pm
Posts: 1605
Location: Orchard Hill Warrenpoint
A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria BC to Prince George BC. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room.
But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge
is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the
'standard rate'.
He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could
also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband
said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager
replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband
gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."


''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:52 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 8:46 pm
Posts: 1605
Location: Orchard Hill Warrenpoint
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me
And so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise,
But this is just not the right time.


Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 11:33 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
SHOULD THESE PEOPLE BE ALLOWED TO GO ON HOLIDAYS?????


NO NO NO!!!! Not at the same time as me!!

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during
the season.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked
in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took
the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're
trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 9:33 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! stuff that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:27 am 
Offline
Site Admin
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 06, 2007 2:30 pm
Posts: 10305
Location: Warrenpoint
“How long have you been working here?”

one employee of the call centre asked another.

“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 7:08 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 10:32 pm
Posts: 1363
Location: Warrenpoint
@ Eugene......I'm going to steal all of the jokes! Very good.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 11:04 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE .


What if this was the only question on the exam paper to pass your English Exam. Would you pass? What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:53 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
Your House As Seen By:

Yourself...


Image


Your Buyer...

Image




The Bank...

Image




Your valuer...

Image



And...
Your Council's Rates Assessor...


Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:45 pm 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:56 pm
Posts: 736
Great to read all the humour on the Forum Thought I would a little. Mr Chan went the the eye doctor and was told he had a cataract Mr Chan replied that he had a Rincon.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:12 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:57 pm
Posts: 199
Location: Donaghaguy
Eugene wrote:
AMAZING ONE WORD RIDDLE .


What if this was the only question on the exam paper to pass your English Exam. Would you pass? What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?


Eugene,you are "STARTLING" ;)


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 2:45 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 8:46 pm
Posts: 1605
Location: Orchard Hill Warrenpoint
That drove me crazy for days!!!!!

Glad to finally have an answer!!


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:48 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:08 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: Warrenpoint
The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,he finally bought
a talking centipede, (100-legged critter), which came in a little
white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to
church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

Butthere was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer fromhis new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time..........



This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"



A few moments passed and the guy heard a faint scratching noise coming
from the box.


Then, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first F****** time!
I'm putting my shoes on!!!!!!"


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:51 pm 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:39 pm
Posts: 97
Location: rostrevor
:)) :)) :)) :)) very very good ..........patMG07.. like that one.. :thumbs:


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 3:26 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:13 pm
Posts: 3570
Location: Warrenpoint
Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Unfinished work.....
PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:03 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:08 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: Warrenpoint
Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 8:20 am 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 3417
Location: Hilltown
: The Bells .... The Bells!










After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was
there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement
for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped
and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a
crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
“I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, .......
"but his face rings a bell."



WAIT! WAIT! before I :getmecoat: ....theres more..............


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace
him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?"
the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the
distraught bishop, “but..............








"He's a dead ringer for his brother." :getmecoat:


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:10 pm 
Offline
Member
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:08 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: Warrenpoint
Very good Eugene ! :rotfl: :rotfl:


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:49 pm 
Offline
Member
Member

Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2007 1:01 am
Posts: 2183
Location: england
FLIES.............

An English Man,An Irish Man and a Scotsman go into a pub and order 3 pints,just as they were about to enjoy their beers a trio of flies appear and land on each of their beers,the English Man pushes his beer away in disgust,the Irishman fishes out the fly and drinks his beer as if nothing happened,the Scotsman also fishes out the fly from His beer before holding it over His glass screaming "Spit it out you B-s-a-d

_________________
irish coleen


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 902 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31  Next

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group