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Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself
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 Post subject: Just a bit of a laugh
PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:47 am 
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Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST
read them aloud)


That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:04 am 
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hilarious,bornandbred....very clever.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:16 am 
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:rotfl: v.good b&b


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:23 pm 
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:D B&b..Im trying to make of my own up...and its not easy at all!!, but then again I am at work right now so cant give it my full concentration! :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:57 pm 
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Loved them B&B. :rotfl: :rotfl:
You forgot the weightlifter with the hernia Wan hung lo


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:02 pm 
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Or the well known book , 'Spots On The Wall' by Hu Flung Dung ::-((


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:34 pm 
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:genius: :rotfl: :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:57 pm 
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I was actually taking this seriously until I got to `small pony`!! doh! :rotfl: :D


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:59 pm 
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Yes, Yes..Small Horse!! No damn edit function here!!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:47 am 
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Going back to the Korea Olympics, the men's 100m was won by "Sum Dum Koon" later disqualified on account of steroids.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:54 am 
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Eugene wrote:
:D B&b..Im trying to make of my own up...and its not easy at all!!, but then again I am at work right now so cant give it my full concentration! :rotfl:


Its like photography, you need to have the eyes for it. >:)


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:42 am 
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After two weeks holidays the bin men called at the Chineese restaurant and says to the China man where,s your bin and the China mans says i bin on holidays and the bin man says no no wheres your wheelie bin and the China man says honest i wheelie bin on holidays.Ok not the best of a joke but tell it to your children or grandchildren they will love it. :D


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:20 am 
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Why are there so many telephone books in China ??

There's so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing the wong number !

I know, I know, but my kid's told me this one.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:43 am 
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California Dream'in wrote:
Why are there so many telephone books in China ??

There's so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing the wong number !

I know, I know, but my kid's told me this one.


Kid's jokes ..

If you have to run to the bog, what nationality are you?

Russian

And if you get there in time..

European

I'll get my coat


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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:46 pm 
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Received this from a friend in the US......I must say I am tempted to follow this lady's example"

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client


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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:53 pm 
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:rotfl: ;)

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:59 pm 
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Wouldnt you just love to do the same! Wonder how it would go down!! :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:37 pm 
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Priceless :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:07 pm 
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An Irishman goes for a job and has to take a maths test before he's hired ;

Q1 - without numbers , represent the no.9

Paddy draws three trees ( can you see where it's going ?! )

Q2 - without numbers , represent the no. 99

Paddy draws three trees with a wee smudge on each one

Q3 - without numbers , represent the no. 100

Paddy draws three trees with a wee smudge and a wee mark at the base of each

The panel call him in to explain his drawings and Paddy says -

" well , the first one is tree trees , which is 9 , the second one is tree dirty trees , which is 99 and the last one is dirty tree and a turd , dirty tree and a turd , dirty tree and a turd , which is 100 ! "

:hiding: :oops:


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:28 pm 
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Very good point lass :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 8:06 pm 
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Well chosen icons point lass! :rotfl: only joking


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 5:10 am 
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A guy gets phone call from his bank manager to tell him his account was in the red this month and the guy asks the manager how was the account last month and the manager says great in the black to witch the guy replied well then did i phone you. :D


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:54 pm 
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A Cavan man walked into a bank in Dublin and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow €5,000.
But that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank's loan officer told him the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cavan man handed over the keys to a brand new red Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Cavan man produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge him 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cavan man for using a €250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a €5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cavan man returned, repaid the €5,000 and the interest of €23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we did a background check and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow €5,000?"

The Cavan man replied, "Where else in Dubliln can I park my car for two weeks for only €23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:00 pm 
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good one northbrook :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:02 pm 
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did you hear about the carrot who died?


there was a big turnip at the funeral.

Here all week....


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:12 pm 
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I apologise in advance for this one.......


A man is working on the buses collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"


:getmecoat:


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:24 pm 
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:rotfl: that's almost as bad as mine :lol:


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:03 pm 
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Oh the wit!! Oh the humour!! Oh the pain!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:13 pm 
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charlotte st wrote:
Oh the wit!! Oh the humour!! Oh the pain!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:



And it can only get worse.....


Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."


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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 10:04 pm 
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The inland revenue tax evasion dept. had a strong suspicion that a very popular travelling circus were duping them out of huge amounts of unpaid tax.
They decided that one of their officers should join the circus undercover and,get an insight into what schemes they were using to swindle their department.
The officer selected duly applied to the circus for a job, but the only position they could offer him was as the human cannonball.
He duly accepted the post,and for two years worked tirelessly between performances uncovering a web of deception and scheming that eventually saw the department make several successful prosecutions,and a recovery of a substantial sum of money.
At a celebration party to welcome their colleague back to the department,the head officer lavished great praise on him for his dedication:
"For two years our friend endured the hazards of being fired from a powerful cannon...3 times a day for two years.....we could do with more men of that calibre!! :oops:

My favourite joke of all time is in no way "a dirty joke" (I dont find them funny) but it has a kind of 'risque' end so not sure whether to post or not!!


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